Life is hard sometimes

You know those people who always seem to have a perfect life? Life is wonderful and they couldn’t be happier. They have all their ducks in a row. Well, I’m not one of those people. Never have been and probably never will be. Some of you might relate to that statement above but the ones with the near perfect life are probably wondering “How can life NOT be fantastic? What did you do to make yourself miserable?” Then there are always the ones who want to be the voice of understanding and wisdom saying “Don’t worry; keep your head held high. It’ll get better.” So let me get this straight, you want to tell me how I can better myself and stay positive and not give up when you know very little to nothing about me? If that’s the case let me start from the beginning.

As a person grows up you start figuring out what you want to do in life, like every teenagers situation. I was always that kid who tried anything and everything to find out if I enjoyed it and if I was any good at it. I usually quit or lasted just enough for a year. In high school I did a conglomeration of things. As a freshman I was in chorus and enjoyed it enough but only for one year. Sophomore year I did color guard with the marching band and was convinced that the girls hated me and so I again did that for only one year. Junior and senior year I was on the bowling team. I wasn’t amazing at it but I thoroughly enjoyed it (clearly since I played for the remaining of my high school years.) However, when you graduate, that’s when things get serious and you start to wonder “What do I want to do with my life? I’m going to college and there are so many options! I have to figure it out soon since the rest of my life is dependent on this one major pivotal decision.” That’s where things got tough for me.

College years and even as I’m still growing up (come on guys, I’m only 22, that’s still young!), I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I have no special talent; I’m not exceptionally smart in any one field. I’ve never been that kid to know what to do with their life and do their best and put 110% into studies and craftsmanship. I’m in a limbo state and am unsure of where to go and what to do. I have so many thoughts and ideas and desires and dreams that are practically endless! Why can’t I be that person who has always known exactly what they want to pursue in life?

Unfortunately, I've always compared myself to other people; my family, friends, acquaintances. No one should EVER compare themselves to ANYONE. We all have our own different strengths and weaknesses, but really, who isn't jealous of others and what they do and what they have? What do I do? I work at Disney World, making just over minimum wage, living at home, still single, and have no idea what to do with my life.

It’s really great to be able to have people tell you to just push through and stay positive but honestly, it goes on deaf ears. I have no idea how many times I have heard that in my life. And really, how is that going to help? All I’m going to do is smile at you and give thumbs up to make it look like Hooray an instant fix!! If I had known it was THAT easy….But really, what I don’t want or need is some pointless, supposed-to-be-motivator. I need to figure out my life and what direction to go in. I seem down and you don’t know why? I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life. Some call it depression. Some call it motivation less. Some would probably even call it laziness. I call it uncertainty, doubt, but mostly fear. Fear that what I choose won’t make me happy. Fear that I’ll fail. Fear that I won’t have support in what I choose. Fear in the unknown.

Ultimately, I know fear can be faced and overcome. Success can come when fear is present but not holding the reins. I have to jump feet first in whatever I choose and not look back. The fear will always be there, it won’t ever fully leave, but I know that if I ever start to stray, my friends and family will always be there to pull me back up on the horse and get up running. Just like Hercules sang “I will find my way, I can go the distance. I’ll be there some day, if I can be strong. I know every mile, will be worth my while. I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong.”