My Lie of the Path to Happiness

The past couple weeks I've been rather anxious and stressed about things going on in my life and I didn't have a good way of releasing my stress and the only thing that I could think of was to clean. So I cleaned. And I purged belongings. And I cleaned some more. After going through my entire bedroom and closet and drawers and even the bathroom, I had bags upon bags filled with things that would go into the trash or to be donated. I felt good about my accomplishment. But I wanted more.

I started watching YouTube videos of people decluttering their own houses and living spaces. I watched people go through the KonMari Method by Marie Kondo and cleaning their homes and essentially their lives. My favorite videos were of the messiest rooms and seeing the time lapse of the room being transformed. I was hooked on the before and after process and seeing how good they felt made me feel better. But I still wanted more.

So I started going through cupboards in the kitchen, in the garage, and in random closets in the house. I even confronted my brother about going through his things. Its like I needed a fix. Something that would take care of my anxiety. I thought that if living with less clutter and being more minimalist and being mindful of the things that I own and use, I would feel better. But it still wasn't enough.

As I'm writing this, I have Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things paused on Netflix. It's a decent documentary (that I've seen at least twice already) about how we (society) consume and over spend on things we don't really need. Everyone, at some point in their life, has bought something and then brought it home and never wear it or use it. It sits in a drawer or in your closet with the wrapping still on it or with the tag still on that cute shirt you just had to have but looks extremely similar to two other shirts you already own. The documentary is a great tool to start to think about what humans actually need versus what we want, let alone what we THINK we want or need. I'm not telling you to start living a minimalist life style, but as I have Netflix paused not even half way through this documentary, I was struck by hearing that their underlying message (loosely summarized) is that:

Having less will make you happier.

This idea really made me think because for a few weeks now I've been cleaning and purging and I felt so good in the moment, but now I feel stuck. I'm itching for a new project, to even help someone else out with their home. I've been drawn into thinking that by continually decluttering and cleaning that I'll be happy. I was literally in tears all day every day needing something to make me feel better, looking for an escape out of this trap that was my anxiety. And THAT'S when it hit me. I'm acting and feeling like a junkie looking for another fix.

People think of junkies as, specifically, drug addicts but a junkie is just the same thing as any kind of addict. Merriam-Webster's definition of an addict is "to devote or surrender to something habitually or obsessively". Drug users, alcoholics, gym rats, adrenaline "junkies" or seekers if you will; all addicts in one sense or another. So does that make what I was doing (cleaning) bad? No, but my intention of what I wanted to get out of it was. I was looking for satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. I thought doing more would make me happy or make me content but I wasn't understanding why that feeling didn't last. Did I not put in enough work? Did I not do it correctly and needed to fix it? Why did my anxiety continue to rise after I felt like I had done everything right?

It's because I was looking for satisfaction and happiness in myself and not in the Lord.

It hit me, mid Netflix watching, that I can't find happiness and contentment in anything that I do. I try and I try and I try but I continue to feel empty after my (ultimately) insignificant achievement of simple cleaning. I had been running off this adrenaline and I felt great, like I could conquer the world (or at least it's closets) but as more time went by with nothing to do, I became not only emotionally weak, but physically as well. I felt like I was trudging through a swamp that was just thick with mud. I was exhausted looking for something that I wasn't even sure what I wanted. I got so drained that the only thing I thought I could do was watch stupid videos of other people organizing their homes and lives and I couldn't help but feel jealous of these people who had their lives put back together. I thought that by cleaning and organizing that I could get my life in order as well and when it didn't work, my anxiety skyrocketed and my depression deepened.

But then I remembered a verse that has always helped me through difficult times in life so I reread it and poured my heart into prayer (accompanied with a lot of tears). 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says "But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

So here I am, still not sure what to actually do with myself, but I do know that I'll be trusting the Lord in everything. It's hard to give all the control to God, I'll admit that. As someone who likes to be in control of all situations and circumstances, it's one of the hardest things I've had to do over and over again. But every time I do hand Him the control, He always comes through. And maybe not in the way that I want or hope, but that's what makes it exciting I suppose. The opportunity to see and experience what He has planned for my life, well, that's just too good to pass up.

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24

Brains Are Complicating

I have tried to write this many times. I write a sentence or two and then erase it and start all over again because I don't know what to say. I have so much going on in my head all the time and I have the need to share and express my thoughts but a soon as I sit down to write, my brain freezes. There is an endless list of possibilities at my finger tips but I can't help but pause and struggle with a topic. Lately, there have been lots of talk about depression and suicide because of our wonderful Robin Williams. I could write about that, but its just another blogs, another article, about the same thing that everyone has read a dozen times. Nobody really wants to hear about it anymore. Or maybe they do.

What is it that people want to hear about? What are the real world things that people are going through that others can relate to? I can't answer that question. I have no idea. What I do know is what I struggle with. But even that isn't something I can pin point on. Everything in my life seems so scatter brained. I always feel like I'm thinking about too much all the time. I can't sleep because I have six different things going through my head at once. I get distracted at work because my brain is too full of information and emotion. I zone out when I'm driving around town because its a place where I don't have to worry or be on edge all the time. At work I'm using my brain as hard as possible to stay on task and get things done and push myself as hard as I can. After a day like that you would think I can relax at home but I can't. Its like I still have adrenaline coursing through my body but nothing can calm my brain down. I can't shut it off. It is so stressful and bothersome and exhausting all at the same time but I have no idea how to change things. Its like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone but inside my head, its like I'm trapped and the only escape route is to keep doing what I'm doing.

As I'm writing this, I'm becoming worried. Worried that no one cares, or that someone will care too much and think of me as a project that can be fixed. Worried that people will see me just complaining and say something along the lines of "Its not a big deal. There are people dying of cancer and starvation and you're worried about your brain. Its your own problem. Fix it yourself." And honestly, I wouldn't blame them for saying that. There are bigger problems out there than me. I just want to get across the unorganized mess that is in my head. In my personal life I like to keep things pretty clean and organized. Everything has a place or an order to do it in and it cannot be changed. I can't keep order in my head but if I can see and experience order it makes things a little bit easier.

Just writing this has probably jumped me around a lot with thought processes not fully being completed or in a particular writing manner. I was just trying to get my thoughts fully out. And it shows just how sporadic and jumbled my brain is. One thought will suddenly change into something else with no warning but its like I have to say it. It may not make sense to anyone else but it really does help me. I have no idea if other people experience these thoughts or somewhat disconnects in their head or not. I just felt like sharing it would help others know just exactly what its like in my brain and not to give me grief about it.

I Will Drink The Living Water

The past few days I've been struggling about what to write about. I've had different ideas bounce around in my head but every time I think about who is actually going to read? Will they care what I have to say? Will they think negatively or positively about it? But then I realized today that it doesn't matter what others think! This is my blog, I can write whatever the heck I want. I shouldn't have to try and fit a specific mold or worry about offending others.

I think its been bothering me because lots of the things that I want to write about are religiously centered and I would hate to be that "Bible thumping Christian" that others can't stand. But I shouldn't have to apologize for my faith. Why should I apologize for something I believe in? Jesus didn't. He wasn't with a group of people just side stepping the topic of religion. He was with the people, showing his good works, sharing his love, proclaiming God's glory for whoever would listen. So why should I be shy? This could potentially be my mission field. I'll just have to wait and see what's in store for me.

Now, in saying this, I don't mean that every post will be God related. There will be posts here and there about what I'm learning through Christ and His Word but they will also just be my thoughts, my ideas, my stories about my day to day life. If you don't like it, or think this whole thing of mine is ridiculous, then there's an easy solution; DON'T READ IT. Problem solved. Sorry not sorry. But nobody is going to tell me what I can and can't share. Simple as that.

The past few years I have been living of the world, not just in the world. And I am going to change that. Yes, I'm still going to have a life. Yes, I'll still be the same person, but the difference will be that its more Christ centered. He should always come first. I should be overwhelmed and embraced by his love and grace. This is what I've been missing in my life. I've been trying to fill my emptiness with other things that are only temporary, but He is forever. God is eternal.

My Psalm 31 Tattoo Explanation

A couple weeks ago I got a tattoo. I've had lots of people ask me about what it is. It just says Psalm 31 on my wrist. That's it; just the verse reference. What I tell people is that its a psalm that David wrote about complaint and of praise and if they want to know what it actually says they can look it up. Why don't I have the verses memorized though? For one thing, it consists of 24 verses. That's a lot to remember. But the main reason is that if they are really interested in knowing what it says, they'll look themselves. It forces them to read the Bible, even just one chapter, its better than nothing. And personally I think its a wonderful chapter. I will share my favorite parts and ultimately, why I chose this particular part of the Bible to put on my body for the rest of my life.

'Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow
and my years with sighing;
My strength has failed because of my iniquity,
And my body has wasted away.
Because of all my adversaries, I have become a reproach,
Especially to my neighbors,
And an object of dread to my acquaintances;
Those who see me in the street flee from me.
I am forgotten as a dead man, out of mind;
I am like a broken vessel.
For I have heard the slander of many,
Terror is on every side;
While they took counsel together against me,
They schemed to take away my life.'
Psalm 31:9-13

It sounds terrible and really sad and depressing BUT THEN MY FAVORITE PART HAPPENS!!!!

'But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord,
I say, "You are my God."
My times are in Your hand;
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies and from those who persecute me.
Make Your face to shine upon Your servant;
Save me in Your lovingkindness.'
Psalm 31:14-16

If that doesn't get you pumped up and excited about life, I don't know what does. It makes my heart soar knowing that sadness and darkness is not meant for us, that there is something more in this world to live for. Jesus saves us. He saved me years ago and continues to throughout my life. Even when you feel like giving up on life, He shows up to bring us back to the light. To bring us back to Him. The devil has no hold on us and our mind and emotions. Jesus can break our chains that we drag behind us. It may seem impossible to escape the comfort of the darkness, but once your free, you don't want to go back. Your new comfort becomes the fact that He will not give up on you if You just trust. Let go of everything, take that first, terrifying step, and let Him and His love embrace you for all eternity.

Life is hard sometimes

You know those people who always seem to have a perfect life? Life is wonderful and they couldn’t be happier. They have all their ducks in a row. Well, I’m not one of those people. Never have been and probably never will be. Some of you might relate to that statement above but the ones with the near perfect life are probably wondering “How can life NOT be fantastic? What did you do to make yourself miserable?” Then there are always the ones who want to be the voice of understanding and wisdom saying “Don’t worry; keep your head held high. It’ll get better.” So let me get this straight, you want to tell me how I can better myself and stay positive and not give up when you know very little to nothing about me? If that’s the case let me start from the beginning.

As a person grows up you start figuring out what you want to do in life, like every teenagers situation. I was always that kid who tried anything and everything to find out if I enjoyed it and if I was any good at it. I usually quit or lasted just enough for a year. In high school I did a conglomeration of things. As a freshman I was in chorus and enjoyed it enough but only for one year. Sophomore year I did color guard with the marching band and was convinced that the girls hated me and so I again did that for only one year. Junior and senior year I was on the bowling team. I wasn’t amazing at it but I thoroughly enjoyed it (clearly since I played for the remaining of my high school years.) However, when you graduate, that’s when things get serious and you start to wonder “What do I want to do with my life? I’m going to college and there are so many options! I have to figure it out soon since the rest of my life is dependent on this one major pivotal decision.” That’s where things got tough for me.

College years and even as I’m still growing up (come on guys, I’m only 22, that’s still young!), I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I have no special talent; I’m not exceptionally smart in any one field. I’ve never been that kid to know what to do with their life and do their best and put 110% into studies and craftsmanship. I’m in a limbo state and am unsure of where to go and what to do. I have so many thoughts and ideas and desires and dreams that are practically endless! Why can’t I be that person who has always known exactly what they want to pursue in life?

Unfortunately, I've always compared myself to other people; my family, friends, acquaintances. No one should EVER compare themselves to ANYONE. We all have our own different strengths and weaknesses, but really, who isn't jealous of others and what they do and what they have? What do I do? I work at Disney World, making just over minimum wage, living at home, still single, and have no idea what to do with my life.

It’s really great to be able to have people tell you to just push through and stay positive but honestly, it goes on deaf ears. I have no idea how many times I have heard that in my life. And really, how is that going to help? All I’m going to do is smile at you and give thumbs up to make it look like Hooray an instant fix!! If I had known it was THAT easy….But really, what I don’t want or need is some pointless, supposed-to-be-motivator. I need to figure out my life and what direction to go in. I seem down and you don’t know why? I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life. Some call it depression. Some call it motivation less. Some would probably even call it laziness. I call it uncertainty, doubt, but mostly fear. Fear that what I choose won’t make me happy. Fear that I’ll fail. Fear that I won’t have support in what I choose. Fear in the unknown.

Ultimately, I know fear can be faced and overcome. Success can come when fear is present but not holding the reins. I have to jump feet first in whatever I choose and not look back. The fear will always be there, it won’t ever fully leave, but I know that if I ever start to stray, my friends and family will always be there to pull me back up on the horse and get up running. Just like Hercules sang “I will find my way, I can go the distance. I’ll be there some day, if I can be strong. I know every mile, will be worth my while. I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong.”