The past couple weeks I've been rather anxious and stressed about things going on in my life and I didn't have a good way of releasing my stress and the only thing that I could think of was to clean. So I cleaned. And I purged belongings. And I cleaned some more. After going through my entire bedroom and closet and drawers and even the bathroom, I had bags upon bags filled with things that would go into the trash or to be donated. I felt good about my accomplishment. But I wanted more.
I started watching YouTube videos of people decluttering their own houses and living spaces. I watched people go through the KonMari Method by Marie Kondo and cleaning their homes and essentially their lives. My favorite videos were of the messiest rooms and seeing the time lapse of the room being transformed. I was hooked on the before and after process and seeing how good they felt made me feel better. But I still wanted more.
So I started going through cupboards in the kitchen, in the garage, and in random closets in the house. I even confronted my brother about going through his things. Its like I needed a fix. Something that would take care of my anxiety. I thought that if living with less clutter and being more minimalist and being mindful of the things that I own and use, I would feel better. But it still wasn't enough.
As I'm writing this, I have Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things paused on Netflix. It's a decent documentary (that I've seen at least twice already) about how we (society) consume and over spend on things we don't really need. Everyone, at some point in their life, has bought something and then brought it home and never wear it or use it. It sits in a drawer or in your closet with the wrapping still on it or with the tag still on that cute shirt you just had to have but looks extremely similar to two other shirts you already own. The documentary is a great tool to start to think about what humans actually need versus what we want, let alone what we THINK we want or need. I'm not telling you to start living a minimalist life style, but as I have Netflix paused not even half way through this documentary, I was struck by hearing that their underlying message (loosely summarized) is that:
Having less will make you happier.
This idea really made me think because for a few weeks now I've been cleaning and purging and I felt so good in the moment, but now I feel stuck. I'm itching for a new project, to even help someone else out with their home. I've been drawn into thinking that by continually decluttering and cleaning that I'll be happy. I was literally in tears all day every day needing something to make me feel better, looking for an escape out of this trap that was my anxiety. And THAT'S when it hit me. I'm acting and feeling like a junkie looking for another fix.
People think of junkies as, specifically, drug addicts but a junkie is just the same thing as any kind of addict. Merriam-Webster's definition of an addict is "to devote or surrender to something habitually or obsessively". Drug users, alcoholics, gym rats, adrenaline "junkies" or seekers if you will; all addicts in one sense or another. So does that make what I was doing (cleaning) bad? No, but my intention of what I wanted to get out of it was. I was looking for satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. I thought doing more would make me happy or make me content but I wasn't understanding why that feeling didn't last. Did I not put in enough work? Did I not do it correctly and needed to fix it? Why did my anxiety continue to rise after I felt like I had done everything right?
It's because I was looking for satisfaction and happiness in myself and not in the Lord.
It hit me, mid Netflix watching, that I can't find happiness and contentment in anything that I do. I try and I try and I try but I continue to feel empty after my (ultimately) insignificant achievement of simple cleaning. I had been running off this adrenaline and I felt great, like I could conquer the world (or at least it's closets) but as more time went by with nothing to do, I became not only emotionally weak, but physically as well. I felt like I was trudging through a swamp that was just thick with mud. I was exhausted looking for something that I wasn't even sure what I wanted. I got so drained that the only thing I thought I could do was watch stupid videos of other people organizing their homes and lives and I couldn't help but feel jealous of these people who had their lives put back together. I thought that by cleaning and organizing that I could get my life in order as well and when it didn't work, my anxiety skyrocketed and my depression deepened.
But then I remembered a verse that has always helped me through difficult times in life so I reread it and poured my heart into prayer (accompanied with a lot of tears). 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says "But he said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
So here I am, still not sure what to actually do with myself, but I do know that I'll be trusting the Lord in everything. It's hard to give all the control to God, I'll admit that. As someone who likes to be in control of all situations and circumstances, it's one of the hardest things I've had to do over and over again. But every time I do hand Him the control, He always comes through. And maybe not in the way that I want or hope, but that's what makes it exciting I suppose. The opportunity to see and experience what He has planned for my life, well, that's just too good to pass up.
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24
