I have tried to write this many times. I write a sentence or two and then erase it and start all over again because I don't know what to say. I have so much going on in my head all the time and I have the need to share and express my thoughts but a soon as I sit down to write, my brain freezes. There is an endless list of possibilities at my finger tips but I can't help but pause and struggle with a topic. Lately, there have been lots of talk about depression and suicide because of our wonderful Robin Williams. I could write about that, but its just another blogs, another article, about the same thing that everyone has read a dozen times. Nobody really wants to hear about it anymore. Or maybe they do.
What is it that people want to hear about? What are the real world things that people are going through that others can relate to? I can't answer that question. I have no idea. What I do know is what I struggle with. But even that isn't something I can pin point on. Everything in my life seems so scatter brained. I always feel like I'm thinking about too much all the time. I can't sleep because I have six different things going through my head at once. I get distracted at work because my brain is too full of information and emotion. I zone out when I'm driving around town because its a place where I don't have to worry or be on edge all the time. At work I'm using my brain as hard as possible to stay on task and get things done and push myself as hard as I can. After a day like that you would think I can relax at home but I can't. Its like I still have adrenaline coursing through my body but nothing can calm my brain down. I can't shut it off. It is so stressful and bothersome and exhausting all at the same time but I have no idea how to change things. Its like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone but inside my head, its like I'm trapped and the only escape route is to keep doing what I'm doing.
As I'm writing this, I'm becoming worried. Worried that no one cares, or that someone will care too much and think of me as a project that can be fixed. Worried that people will see me just complaining and say something along the lines of "Its not a big deal. There are people dying of cancer and starvation and you're worried about your brain. Its your own problem. Fix it yourself." And honestly, I wouldn't blame them for saying that. There are bigger problems out there than me. I just want to get across the unorganized mess that is in my head. In my personal life I like to keep things pretty clean and organized. Everything has a place or an order to do it in and it cannot be changed. I can't keep order in my head but if I can see and experience order it makes things a little bit easier.
Just writing this has probably jumped me around a lot with thought processes not fully being completed or in a particular writing manner. I was just trying to get my thoughts fully out. And it shows just how sporadic and jumbled my brain is. One thought will suddenly change into something else with no warning but its like I have to say it. It may not make sense to anyone else but it really does help me. I have no idea if other people experience these thoughts or somewhat disconnects in their head or not. I just felt like sharing it would help others know just exactly what its like in my brain and not to give me grief about it.
